can't sleep

i'm writing because i can't sleep. i can't sleep because my heart hurts and it's making my stomach turn. where do i remember this from? oh yes...i remember now. men cause your heart to hurt. you fall for them much too fast even if you don't want to and then you fall hard and just as fast as you fell for them.

i won't do it...the heartache thing. i can't. i've been so happy the past few months and i refuse to give that up. i have a trust problem. you really have to work hard to earn my trust...maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. i have a problem with putting too much of myself into things and expecting things and dreaming up the things that inevitably won't happen. why? because i push to hard. i allow myself to get pulled in and then i push people away because i'm too much for them. i overly exert i guess. but maybe this isn't my fault. maybe it's other people. i deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love...every woman does.

i refuse to depend on someone else for my happiness. but dammit i can't get you out of my head and so there you remain until things are better...until i know that we're "ok".

when i feel something and i know that something is there i grab at it. and i hold tight. maybe i love to hard. can one love too hard or too much? is it overwhelming for people around her?

art by Kyle M. Stone www.kylemstone.com/paintings16.html